Confusion and Joy

It has been two weeks and two days since I stepped off of the train and arrived in Rugby, ND. I don’t know what you (readers) want to read about more- what I’ve done or how I’ve felt being here so I guess I’ll tell you about both.

What I’ve done:
Orientation: learned about SOLT (the Society of Our Lady the Trinity), about the community, and about our work here.
Prepared for school: arranged and rearranged my classroom, put up posters galore, and made stars that the kids will decorate on the first day. Written lesson plans, incorporated some version of Bingo into almost all of my classes. Punctuation bingo anyone?
Lived in community: experienced the joys and frustrations of living with people. Joy- learning about people and why they’re here. Frustration: no private space of my own.
Eaten frozen grapes: why? Because they’re delicious and fruit goes bad quickly here so I have to freeze it. If you close your eyes, you might be able to pretend you’re eating ice cream.
Gone to Walmart: 4 times. I used to boycott this evil corporation but now I have no other option. My stipend doesn’t cover a $6 gallon of milk! Things are expensive here, even items like milk, oil, wheat products, and others, even though they make, raise, or grow them in North Dakota. They have to ship these goods out to be manufactured, raising the costs significantly.
Attended a pow wow: when in Rome, do as the Romans do. The dancing, music, and costumes were all interesting. I educated the man selling lemonade about Jersey Shore’s accurate portrayal of Sleazeside in the summer and that Snooki was from NY, not NJ. We got into this conversation after he heard I was from NJ. The 4 of us that went kind of stuck out and people wanted to know where we were from.
Explored the area: I stood on top of “Turtle Mountain” which was really just a large turtle made up of wheels that didn’t have the tires on them anymore. I went to the Turtle Mountain Museum where I envied the gorgeous quilts and artwork made by members of the tribe. I also did a light hike up to the highest point in the area. My camera was broke so I only took pictures using my bad camera phone. Regardless, even the nicest camera wouldn’t have been able to capture the raw beauty of the area at sunset.

How I’ve felt:
These last 2 weeks have been hard. I constantly second guess my decision to volunteer at St. Ann’s. Why? I’m not really sure. It’s not about the people. I love the people. My community members and the greater community have been so welcoming, compassionate, and overall awesome to me. It’s nice to have conversations about God and society with them, even when we disagree (which happens often). It’s not about the program. I’m excited to teach 3rd grade. Maybe excited is a slight embellishment but I am looking forward to the challenge of teaching a range of subjects, all day. I came out here with the impression that I would be teaching religion, not science or math. I was a terrible 3rd grade student! Still, I’ve had a good amount of time to prepare so I feel ready and competent. I do not spend my time in misery.
 

So where is this doubt coming from?
Some people say I must be homesick. Other people say I feel this way because school hasn’t started yet. They say that once school starts, I’ll feel much better. Some even claim it’s the devil trying to deter me from God’s plan.
I’ve thought about this a lot in the last 2 weeks and I don’t know if it’s any of those things. While I miss home, I’m not homesick. I know homesickness and this is not it. Besides, I’ve gone longer without being home before. I don’t think the students will change my mind. While they’ll be adorable, bright, and innocent, I just have a feeling the joy I experience teaching won’t be enough to make me want to stay until May. As for the devil, I don’t think this was God’s plan for me to begin with, rather I think it was what I wanted. I assumed it was what God wanted for me since ND was so far away from home. I talked about it being God’s plan so much that I didn’t actually ask GOD if this is what He wanted.

 
What I have been able to pinpoint some of my doubts on is having had a misconception about the program. To be honest, I didn’t do a lot of research of the program before I came here. I didn’t ask about the rules or overall goals they had for the volunteers. Turns out, there are a lot of rules. I understand why they’re in place but I don’t see the benefit as much as others do. I didn’t even ask about the prayer life. I didn’t know how fully obedient Catholic it was here. I’m not saying this is a bad thing. I’m just saying this is not necessarily my thing. It could be though. I haven’t the slightest clue! (insert religious crisis here).

Now I’m not saying that I’m going to quit anytime soon. I’m going to give this program more time. My daily prayer is that I adjust better in the next coming weeks. If I don’t, I have some ideas about what I would do if I came home. These ideas exist only to calm my nerves and anxieties over the possibility of giving up. I like having a backup plan.

So this is where I am right now. I’m confused, joyful, contemplative, nervous, and tired. I have so many questions and uncertainties concerning my future. In fact, the only thing I know for certain is this:
Right now, as I sit at my desk in my classroom, I am blessed. I am thankful that God brought me to Belcourt, ND, where I can learn to be more disciplined and faithful to the plan God has for my life. My faith in God is strong. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again- this is God’s plan for my life, not my plan for my life.  

Tomorrow is a big day- the first day of school. I would appreciate any prayers or positive thoughts throughout the day. Who knows? Everything, all of these things I just said, could change tomorrow.

Journey is from Detroit too... still need a new slogan...

So Detroit...
Yep...
It's right across the way from CANADA! Am I going to go to Canada- probably at least once.

I don't really know whats up right now.
My mom told my grandmother- she is trusting God with all of this- so that makes me feel better.

I have been talking to a guy who is already at the agency in Detroit- he has shared a lot about it with me and I am feeling confident. Josh seems like a solid guy and I am eager to learn what I can from him before he leaves- like two weeks or so after we get there...

Lets talk about this one fact shall we:
When I signed up for Covenant House- the city of Detroit wasn't even on the map for me. I had no idea it was even an option for me to go to until I was on Orientation.
At that time- I knew where I wanted to be: New York City!
I mean come on- how fabulous would that be right?! Wrong.

I spent one night in NYC and felt like I was going to choke. My mom coined the term country mouse. And I believe she was right. I stood staring at the Brooklyn Bridge on the first night of my Orientation and was in awe of the city. So big. And I just felt so out of my league. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I love New York. I have always been a fan.
I later sat down and figured out that I was more than capable of living there, but under the conditions that I set. If I were to be in an apartment with a steady paying job and friends and roommates and a lover and beer, things might be different.
But as it was, with all of the business I would be doing on top of the 45 min commute and my unusual onset of loathing for New York subway stations, I found myself slowly changing my mind about living in the Big Apple.

I walked across the Brooklyn Bridge that night, remembering that scene from Sex in the City- the Movie... and thought, "This isn't my life... but if it were- it would have to be all mine!"

So then I learned that Detroit was an option for me to be sent to. And I thought, "Well, why not? I've been so caught up in NYC and now I've got this new idea of it and I hate it. Why not keep Detroit as an option?"

It became my second choice, with AC in the front of the line and Ft. Slaughterdale bringing up the rear.

I felt like God was trying to tell me something about Detroit from the minute I learned it was an option. I went to an old place of worship with a dear friend of mine after I came back from an exhausting Orientation, feeling unstable and insecure with everything in my world.

After about an hour and a variety of gifts of the Holy Spirit later, I heard in my head, "Just shut up and trust me!"

So I am.

----------------------

In other news: I went back to Cabrini today to spend time with special people. One of my Da-da's was on campus getting her life in order for the school year and we ran into one of the most important people in my life. I am not sure whether or not I will write too much about him right now- as he truly deserves an entire blog page of his own some day (as do the rest of the people who put up with me in their classes [ I promise I love you all equally]), but I must say a few words about the genius and madness that is Seth Frechie.

Dr. Frechie was the first English teacher I had at Cabrini and right from the start he made me feel like I was where I was destined to be, and that I was becoming the person I wanted to be...

How's that for starters? That will be my first line in the blog when I get to brown nose for no particular reason- give it time- I'll know when its right to post that one- it will be on a really great day filled with poetry and music or on the worst day ever, when I miss the people I loved the most at Cabrini...

Anyway- I ran into my dear old professor and he was astonished to learn that I was going to Detroit. He apparently has been keeping up with my writing, which worries and honors me. This blog is not safe!!!

Saying goodbye to him was hard. I realized that I would not have that same kind of kinship with any of my superiors ever again. More over, I realized I was going into a much bigger pond and becoming a much smaller fish in less than two weeks. People will not know my name where I am going. I must start anew where I am going. I am eager for this and anxious at the same time.

I will miss walking five feet and running into someone I know, or at least someone who knows me, and being able to say, "Hey Hun!" and embrace them and make them feel like for that moment they are my world. Because for that moment, they were. They always were.

But I am moving on. I learned in my musical class and from one of my favorite peers- you must keep moving on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QA4coDbHLPo

A NETter's Crazy Final Days!

  Thursday, Thursday, oh Thursday! At Camp it meant the counselors would get wings... Well I am not at PFC anymore so that means it is almost time for me to get into my boat and start fishing in MN!

 OK, so I am not yet in MN for NET! BUT, the Lord has some crazy plans in preparing me for this journey. The last few days have been some of the most difficult days of my life. I have dealt with good-byes, excitement, nervousness, and even the thought of wishing that somethings could just stay the way they are now, meaning no body had to go anywhere! BUT.......

 THE LORD has many great things planned for us! HE would not do anything that is not best for us! So maybe I really need to just go already and start my journey across America! Not forget about my friends and family, but stop thinking that everything in my whole entire life is going to be so different afterward. The world is not going to change around me, The Lord is going to simply grow inside of me and make me a better tool for His awesome plans!

 There are things I want to keep the same and I PRAY by the time May comes around, those things have bloomed into wonderful God filled things! NET is coming fast and I know that I am off the wall with excitement, brought down in emotion by sadness and feelings of missing home, BUT I know that God has called me to do this Mission, to continue the work He called Jesus and the Apostles to do in the beginnings of the Church!

 All I can ask for now is for the Father to send His blessings down upon me and for our Mother Mary to give me the courage and graces of herself, when she was the one who said YES to the Lord!

Please pray for me and my fellow NETters as we all come together to start another school year! Peace and God Bless!

Bobby

ABC- Apparently it's not quite so easy...

Did you know that the name Detroit comes from the french term de-troi(t) which means- strait- as in how the city rests by the river to the Great Lakes...
Neither did I, until I realized I needed to start learning a thing or two about the city I was placed in for Covenant House.

There was a bit of a mix up at the agency- I won't be going to my City of Lights after all.
And yet somehow, I am okay with this.
Don't get me wrong, I cried so hard I had to take a nap, during which I think it hailed in my yard. There was a terrible storm today- I guess it rains because I am sad, and not the other way around.

But the sky was beautiful today- the colors of gray and pink with azure-blue, it made me feel like I was protected somehow.

Apparently myself and two of my other volunteers were "misplaced" and only today did I learn about my redirection. I got an email saying I was headed to Detroit and I got all confused. After talking to my Orientation Operator, Joan, and having her stay on the line with me for a half an hour and decompress from this shocking news, I had to call my family. Only my sister and my Dad answered, it was a nightmare.

My dad told me he was anxious from the moment he heard that me going to Detroit was even a possible option, and now telling him that I am going there, well I am sure he is uneasy about it.

My sister Liz totally gets me sometimes. I marvel at how on point she can be with her advice and how, since she has experienced many of the emotions of leaving and being away from loved ones and not knowing whats happening next... I guess she just gets me when I say I am scared of losing another grandparent, and being too far to come home.

When my grandfather became ill this past year, I was able to run to the hospital. I could drop everything and be here for my family. I could have done that, even from Atlantic City. But now...

My mother is a wonderful lady. But when my grandfather was ill, she told us not to get too excited and over-react, or break plans or stop what we were doing in our lives. I said- FUCK THAT- MOVE OVER- I'M COMING TO THE HOSPITAL!

She said the same thing to my sister Meg. She was in Houston at the time. It was enraging to not be with her because my mother said not to worry or fly up. I held my cellphone up to the ear of my dying grandfather so my sister could at least speak to him before he died. Although my grandfather was basically in a coma, he was somewhat aware of his surroundings and could respond to certain sounds and voices.

I watched my grandfather's face react , even though his eyelids were closed, they trembled at the sound of my sister's voice all the way from Houston.

I don't think I can be on a phone if one of my relatives gets ill. Sure I can fly home. But how reliable is that?
And there is no accounting for the suddenness of life...
I know even if it were sudden- even if I was in AC- would it be the same. Yes... and no... but I think you are all smart enough to understand what I'm trying to say.

I don't want to be a voice on a phone. I want to be present. I want to be present...

And now I cannot be. I won't be taking trips home during my weekends. I won't be a quick train ride away. I won't be saving up all my money for a train ticket. I won't be seeing my friends. I won't be LARP-ing on a rare instant. I won't be around.

I am ready.

I am sad.

I am going to Detroit. I will be leaving for NYC for my training on September 1st- I need to be up there by 11am. I leave for Detroit on September 16th.

I am ready.

I know that if I had been told I was going to Detroit a week ago when I originally found out about AC- I would have been just as prepared and excited.
I guess I just got my hopes up.

But I am ready.

Did you know that Sandra Bernhard was from Detroit?
Neither did I...

ABC's- In the waiting line...

So now that I am waiting for this year of service to begin, I've started thinking- which is never a good thing because only two kinds of things happen when I go too deep into the recesses of my mind- unicorns and glitter and madness!

I realized I forgot to mention something important in my last post- I MET FELICIA DAY. She and I talked about how her character Penny was kinda the spark for me doing service work with the homeless. I told her how star struck I was by her and how lame felt when I confessed to my obsession with her voice. I told her I felt like she sings to me when she says, Keep your head up Billy Buddy. LAME!!! But I got her autograph, I made her cry, I hugged her and I touched her hair! THIS IS HER HAIR!!!

Anyway- moving on. I can't begin to describe how relieved I was when I found out I had been placed in Atlantic City. I had never been there in all my years until this summer when I went on a trip with my Da-das and a bunch of really cool people.
We spent the day doing the usual, gamble gamble gamble and then hit the beach- which was then followed by hitting the bar. Hard. We laughed and laughed and I remember as we ran back out to the beach for one last swim before making the trip home, I noticed something so monumental but so subtle.

All of my summers growing up had been spent in some capacity at the Jersey Shore, mainly in Avalon. My family has been blessed to have a house down there, which I have known and loved for as long as I can remember. It sits on the very end of the island, half a block from a private beach, which nowadays we use for cocktail hour- which runs from about 1pm-5pm on some days.
But before it was the open bar- the beach, which we called the bulkhead- was a sanctuary for me. I would play on and in the jetty- the rocks that jut out into the water. I would collect shells and stones and of course the most important thing: treasures!

My family is all about treasure hunting on the beach. We always look forward to rainy days at the beach during the summer. Not just because we get to stay in and play Scrabble or watch movies or go to the surf malls, but because we knew that once the storm had quieted down, the shoreline would be scattered with driftwood and any other kind of debris washed up from the stormy waves. I've found some of the most amazing things after the storms in my life...

More than anything else though, my favorite thing about Avalon was the view. Being at the end of the island, you can watch the bridge to Sea Isle go up and down for all the big ships. And on really clear nights, you can see the lights of Ocean City, and sometimes, even Atlantic City. This lights of the AC were faint at best, but I could always pick out AC from two red lights and one bright blue light. I never knew what they were- but my families always said, "Oh they're just casinos..."

So standing on the beach, tipsy as a rocking horse, I looked up and saw the building I was standing under. It was glowing blue. And next to it, two buildings colored in crimson.

"YOU GUYS GUESS WHAT! I KNOW WHERE WE ARE!!!"

"Billy, shut up and get in the water!"

I ran to the water's edge and looked out across the vast sea, hoping to see the bulkhead. But there were no lights to be seen from this side of the ocean. I could not see the bulkhead, the jetty, the treasures.

But I knew they were all there, somewhere in the darkness.

From a distance, AC looks like a sparkling jewel, a treasure among the waves, far off and distant. But looking from that coastline made me realize that despite the sparkle of the city, there was darkness surrounding it, making it hard for anyone to see past the glamor. It was then that I knew I wanted to be placed in Atlantic City.

Even now I think about those lights and I cannot help but wonder if someone once looked from where I stood on a clear night and thought for a moment they saw my flashlight burning into the open sea air, and thought to themselves, "I wonder if they are lost." Maybe they stood where I did and saw me where I was on the jetty, desperately looking across the ocean at AC.

So now I am returning to the City of Lights, remembering what Felicia said: Even in the darkness every color can be found...

ABC's- Atlantic City, Byll Monahan, Covenant House

Well, Kristie finally got me involved. I figure this is better than facebook stalking- and its good writing practice. So here goes:

I was supposed to write about the waiting process a month ago, and clearly, due to my procrastination and well naturally awful ADD, I never got around to doing so. But I'd still like to share what it was like for me, waiting to find out whether or not the next year of my life was going to start up in flames.

I knew I wanted to do service for my first year out of college, an idea implanted in my crack-head mind by a few of my friends and their subtle influences. First there was Linda, who showed me an online show called Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog. The show focuses on three main characters, one of which is a woman named Penny who is played by actress Felicia Day. She sings a song about working with the homeless and how we are always growing.

"Even in the darkness, every color can be found... any time you're hurt, there's one who has it worse around..."

These lines continued to echo in my head, along with her ending, "So keep your head up, Billy Buddy!"

After this, a good friend of mine suggested I look into service. Steve Eberle and I were never the best of buddies I suppose, in fact there have been times when all I wanted to do to him was slap him across the face for some of the stuff he subjected me to. He introduced me to the idea of a service position with Jesuit Volunteer Corps. which was a complete earth and mind shattering disaster. I wanted to break things because of that man and his recommendation. And because of him, I found Covenant House. So thanks Eberle...

Lastly, one of my besties, my Gigi, suggested I do a year of service and forget about the real world for awhile. It was the last push I needed and I got involved and pursued several organizations.

When I got a message about a phone interview I was so excited. Someone wanted me.

When I went on orientation for Covenant House, I thought, wow this is it. I am going to be living in NYC for a whole year... I was wrong.

I became suffocated over the idea of NYC. All of the huge buildings, the subways, the lack of me time and the strict code of "conduct" I would be following just didn't add up in the Big Apple for me, and I began to feel like a country mouse. I didn't even know that word applied to me, until I walked across the Brooklyn Bridge with my fellow Orientees. I knew I did not belong in the city just yet. I needed to feel nature in a more... well... natural sense. I needed more than concrete. I needed more than just the trees that grew out of the sidewalks, which took me all weekend to notice growing mind you. It's easy to miss them with traffic lights and street lamps everywhere.

I was told I would not know where I'd be going until after I committed to my service time. I was scared. How would I be okay with this? What if I got sent to NYC or worse, Ft. Slaughterdale FL??? What if people hated me, and I lost track of my purpose? What if I go to Detroit and get shot?

More over, what if my family is upset that I wont be home for holidays: did I mention I wont be home for holidays? No Thanksgiving, no Christmas, no Easter. Maybe New Years...
It broke my heart to think I would not see my family. It killed me a bit. I had to accept this.

I remembered the words of my dear friend Shawn. He gave me one last piece of solid advice before he moved to Hawaii, lucky bastard! He said, "You have to move on..."

Tell me about it. That's been the theme of my past year it seems. This reminded me of "Sunday in the Park with George" and Bernadette Peters singing Move On: "Stop worrying where you're going, move on."

And I knew I needed to trust God. I knew I would go where I was needed, even if it was as far away as FL. I embraced this notion, went on vacation, and when I came back, I discovered an email stating I was going to Atlantic City.
My family was overjoyed.
My heart was lightened.
My friends were relieved.

And now I am sitting here thinking about all the tears I cried about my placement. Did they matter? Of course they did. I did something huge.
I put my neck out for an opportunity that might have been so wrong for me. I jumped into a world of service of the heart without wanting anything in return. I gave faith a chance.
I trusted in something bigger than myself, to take care of my fears, to hold me if I was to go out of my comfort zone. I met God where I knew I would find him, in a small church in Ephrata PA, and he told me to just shut up and do His Will. Well... here I go.

So my waiting process was difficult, but here I am. I leave to go to training in NYC starting September 1st. I train for two weeks and then I am off to Atlantic City.

Now to you my readers- get on me about posting if you don't see me doing so. I want to do this- I will need this blog.

Until then- I stick to my basics: my ABC's...