ABC- Apparently it's not quite so easy...

Did you know that the name Detroit comes from the french term de-troi(t) which means- strait- as in how the city rests by the river to the Great Lakes...
Neither did I, until I realized I needed to start learning a thing or two about the city I was placed in for Covenant House.

There was a bit of a mix up at the agency- I won't be going to my City of Lights after all.
And yet somehow, I am okay with this.
Don't get me wrong, I cried so hard I had to take a nap, during which I think it hailed in my yard. There was a terrible storm today- I guess it rains because I am sad, and not the other way around.

But the sky was beautiful today- the colors of gray and pink with azure-blue, it made me feel like I was protected somehow.

Apparently myself and two of my other volunteers were "misplaced" and only today did I learn about my redirection. I got an email saying I was headed to Detroit and I got all confused. After talking to my Orientation Operator, Joan, and having her stay on the line with me for a half an hour and decompress from this shocking news, I had to call my family. Only my sister and my Dad answered, it was a nightmare.

My dad told me he was anxious from the moment he heard that me going to Detroit was even a possible option, and now telling him that I am going there, well I am sure he is uneasy about it.

My sister Liz totally gets me sometimes. I marvel at how on point she can be with her advice and how, since she has experienced many of the emotions of leaving and being away from loved ones and not knowing whats happening next... I guess she just gets me when I say I am scared of losing another grandparent, and being too far to come home.

When my grandfather became ill this past year, I was able to run to the hospital. I could drop everything and be here for my family. I could have done that, even from Atlantic City. But now...

My mother is a wonderful lady. But when my grandfather was ill, she told us not to get too excited and over-react, or break plans or stop what we were doing in our lives. I said- FUCK THAT- MOVE OVER- I'M COMING TO THE HOSPITAL!

She said the same thing to my sister Meg. She was in Houston at the time. It was enraging to not be with her because my mother said not to worry or fly up. I held my cellphone up to the ear of my dying grandfather so my sister could at least speak to him before he died. Although my grandfather was basically in a coma, he was somewhat aware of his surroundings and could respond to certain sounds and voices.

I watched my grandfather's face react , even though his eyelids were closed, they trembled at the sound of my sister's voice all the way from Houston.

I don't think I can be on a phone if one of my relatives gets ill. Sure I can fly home. But how reliable is that?
And there is no accounting for the suddenness of life...
I know even if it were sudden- even if I was in AC- would it be the same. Yes... and no... but I think you are all smart enough to understand what I'm trying to say.

I don't want to be a voice on a phone. I want to be present. I want to be present...

And now I cannot be. I won't be taking trips home during my weekends. I won't be a quick train ride away. I won't be saving up all my money for a train ticket. I won't be seeing my friends. I won't be LARP-ing on a rare instant. I won't be around.

I am ready.

I am sad.

I am going to Detroit. I will be leaving for NYC for my training on September 1st- I need to be up there by 11am. I leave for Detroit on September 16th.

I am ready.

I know that if I had been told I was going to Detroit a week ago when I originally found out about AC- I would have been just as prepared and excited.
I guess I just got my hopes up.

But I am ready.

Did you know that Sandra Bernhard was from Detroit?
Neither did I...