Detroyt- The Adventures of Byll Monahan- WITHOUT FAIL / A Michigan Left

I was in the car today and Jessie commented on the unique traffic patterns- It's called a Michigan Left, he said, and I observed the small divet in the highway median. It's for turning around to get to the other side of the road, or if you forgot your wallet!

A Michigan Left...
This sounds like a good band name or a poem title- I am calling dibs on the poem title- you can have the band name if you want. I saw this strange concept floating around in my head- an avoidance of a U-Turn at best, but so much more in a metaphorical sense. I realized I had not blogged in what felt like weeks- so now I need to catch you all up on what you missed.
Let's got back, making that U-Turn you see...

I learned a lot about myself- including the fact that I have sharp edges. We discussed the concept of how river stones are so smooth because they have been tossed about for so long and have bumped against one another so many times and have rendered all of those jagged edges into nothingness. The only way to lose your edges is to go into a necessary conflict with other people's edges...

I had some of the best dumplings and bubble tea at a charming little grill in Chinatown. Honeydew tea with tapioca balls made for an enjoyable experience.

The Astoria Beer Garden was the first breakthrough we all had as a group- those of us that could make it that is. We bonded over the universal social lubricant- alcohol. Introduced many in the group to different beers- and tried a few different ones myself.

We celebrated Labor Day with Margaritas on the roof- my CRANE brought us up to the upper roof- I hear her- she helped me along the entire Formation.

I got locked in the glass shower. Twice. Yep.
I broke it the door the second time...
Now no one gets locked in... yeah... not one of my better moments- funny as hell- but not so good!

We watched many movies this Formation. I was so glad to spend quality time with these people and watch movies like- But Ima Cheerleader, Crush, Benny and Joon, The Labyrinth and Pippi Longstocking.

Went to the Monster- a gay bar- it was delightful. The downstairs was a dance floor and the upstairs was a Piano Bar. I got up and sang a few of my favorite show tunes: Being Alive, The Ladies Who Lunch, Don't Rain on My Parade and This is the Moment. I was applauded by a bunch of people and one guy bought me a drink- it was nice to be able to sing again. I brought it home with me- that feeling of being human again. On the subway ride home- I found a sketch book that had pictures of dresses and eyes in it. I will be making it into my journal for this year. Little prayers like that are always being answered.

I took an enneagram- I'm a 4- go educate yourselves.

I sang to my Stephanie on the Roof. She is incredible.

I will give a bit more detail to these next few sections- sorry I've been brief- it's hard to put things into too many details sometimes...

Drum Circle. We had the chance to be in a drum circle with an incredible leader who kept my attention the entire time- he introduced the concepts of spirituality through music and rhythm and well- it was amazing.

I then came to Detroit.

Finally- Detroyt


I went to Canada for my birthday- it's like ten minutes from our house.

I miss everyone. Dearly.

Back Home- Morris is in a show, hunter goes on and vampire had its first game.
My mom keeps crying every time I call her- and then tells me I need to call her more often. It's a sick game...

My first day of work today was kinda dull- hopefully it will pick up...

Sorry guys- this blog took a lot out of me- I know it is not my usual thought provoking email- just time for updates- maybe I needed to come back to this point- just random stream of consciousness- but we will see what the next Michigan Left has in store for me...

The first days of school- Kristie

On August 25th, the school year began for St. Ann’s Catholic School students in Belcourt, ND. I was nervous, to say the least, to meet my students and to actually teach them something. Teaching was and still is an entirely new concept (if you don’t count my first semester of college as a elementary ed major).

My dear friend Benadryl had me asleep by 9:30 on the 24th. I woke up at 7:00 the next day and got ready. I had already picked out my outfit and was at school by 7:40. I signed in, opened up my classroom, and quickly filled out the name tags of for each of my 3rd grade students. I got my walkie talkie (we don’t have an intercom system or phone system in the school) and headed down to the cafeteria. I stood with another teacher as we saw the students come into the school and find their place at their seats. After praying with two other teachers, I walked over to some of the students I recognized from Meet the Teacher night and sat down with them. I could tell they were nervous since this was their first year as well at St. Ann’s. I chatted with them about their summers and expectations of the year. I walked around the cafeteria some more, introduced myself to some parents, and nervously anticipated the bell. After what seemed like forever, the bell rang and the students lined up for morning prayer.

As I looked around the students, I noticed some things that were different than what I remembered as a student in a nice middle class Catholic school. Every year, I would get a new backpack, shoes, and other school supplies. If you looked at a picture of me from the first day of school, you could tell that I was wearing mostly new things. Standing in the cafeteria of a poor Catholic school in a poor region, it was not the same picture. The kids looked nice but not many had new things. There were the exceptions of course but exceptions they were. For the most part, the picture looked much different than the pictures of my childhood.

After we said our prayers, I led my 5 students to our classroom. I instructed them to hang their coats up where their name tags were and to find their seats. I realized, as I looked at their adorable faces, I didn’t have to be so nervous anymore. My lessons were planned and they were willing to learn.
Once I came upon that realization, the day went by quickly and smoothly. My students, I realized, were not as shy as they first appeared. They love to talk and are pure girly girls. Whenever I’m making up sentences, they suggest the first names of Disney and Nickelodeon stars for the subject’s name. Right now, we are preparing for a puppet show they are going to put on for the kindergarten class. Their puppet’s names are Demi, Selena, Milly, Rosie, and Catherine (I put a block on Disney after the second Disney name, which is why it’s Milly instead of Miley). They look forward to music and art class, but usually dread gym class. They get into trouble for talking but work their hardest to get a sticker at the end of the day (sticker=no name on the board). On Fridays, someone is usually upset they had a sticker free day that week, which means they won’t be able to pick from the prize bucket. I don’t feel at all bad for bribing them with candy and sparkly pencils in exchange for good behavior. Besides it's not bribing if you call it an incentive policy.

By the end of each day, I usually feel tired, have to pee, and prefer not to use my voice. It can be a long day with my students. They test my patience. They don’t always do their homework. They talk out of turn. They give me attitude. They don’t always say thank you.They give each other attitudes. Sometimes, they get into fights. They make me repeat myself all of the time. I hate repeating myself.

Yet, for each time I have to tell them to quiet down or take a deep breath, I can’t help but think of how they act most of the time. They make me laugh. They make each other laugh with silly jokes I don’t always find as funny. They give me hugs. They tell me they’re happy I’m their teacher. They smile when they finally understand a new concept. Above all, they make it easy to see the face of Christ in them. 

I never realized I would love my students so quickly and so deeply.

I have a student. She’s really funny and bright. She’s also extremely poor. She comes to this school on scholarship. She refuses to bring in her sneakers for gym class. When I asked her where were sneakers were last Monday, she looked up at me with a hint of sadness in her eyes and said “I think I forget to bring in my sneakers because I’m really embarrassed of them. They’re all torn up and they pinch my toes. They’re really ugly. People will make fun of me for having them”. As much I encouraged her that people won’t make fun of her for having old sneakers, she wouldn’t bring them in. I had been racking my brain all week with a way to buy her new sneakers without her knowing I got them for her. I wanted to do so in a way as to not offend her mother or make the other kids jealous. On Friday, only an hour before I was going to approach our principal about it, my plan was thrown out the window. Another one of the girls in my class went up to the girl before gym class and told her “I’m going to ask my mom if I can give you a pair of my sneakers. I didn’t get to wear them that much before I got too big for them. They’re really cool too. This way, you can have sneakers and won’t be embarrassed anymore”. The smiles on both of their faces were childlike and pure.

These girls, they are Christ for each other. They are Christ for me.

Detroyt- The Adventures of Byll Monahan- Be About It

So today we had the day off and are going into Chinatown and then taking the night to do something crazy and fun as a community. I showed people my movie collection- they were, well, lets just say they might understand a little bit more about why I am the way I am- we watched Sweeney Todd- not by my influence at all even- and it was moderately received! I am having such a fun time getting to know people and letting them get to know me.

So there is a lot to start talking about for this recent experience of coming into community. I am learning just how loud I really am and how I need to be a little more conscious of that from time to time... I know how many of you are thinking- "I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU THAT FOR YEARS!" But this is my time to learn my strengths and weaknesses- so cope!

I learned an interesting term the other day during our training sessions: pseudocommunity.
Its the awkward phase that we go through when in a new situation- a transitional phase before becoming an actual community- in which you are dancing around pleasantries with people- being careful not to step on toes or say anything uncomfortable. Simple laughter at little jokes. Not addressing little things that bother us with other people.

Basically- All of the high school lunch table conversations and group projects with people you may not have been social with- the first three months of college- any time you have to be with awkward relatives etc.

But this was both a good and terrible thing in my understanding- this concept.
How necessary it is to be polite for those first few days and not be blunt and open and honest and... well see now it sounds unreal.
And that's just it- its not real. Our books have told us that pseudocommunity is conflict aversion- which as I am sure you know of me- I am so opposite of that whole mindset.
If someone has a problem with me they really need to tell me- pull me aside or confront me in a group and just be like- "Byll- this is not ok!"

Many of my best friends have been able to do just this and they will attest that my response has been ultimately one of remorse and dedication to fix the dilemma.

But pseudocommunity is based in the knowledge of three aspects- time, fear and comfort.

If we are only going to be spending so much time with a person- we may want to simply disengage from them and not be open- thus averting conflict.
If we are afraid of addressing someone because we don't know how they will react- we avert conflict.
If we are uncomfortable being the person who stirs up the waters- we avert conflict.

BUT THE WATERS MUST BE STIRRED UP!!!
If we just let things remain stagnant- and we observe this lovey-dovey crap- we will never really feel any depth or sense of true and honest connection with one another.

How tragic!

But by addressing the issues, not being afraid of confrontation and being comfortable enough to get it thrown back at ourselves, be move into the next step of community- Chaos- which is resolved by an emptying of the self to allow for stability and thus Community.

So pseudocommunity is so important- because without it- there can be no chaos and no emptying and then community can never be achieved.
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That's the lesson for the day.

I guess I have been feeling at times that I don't really fit in- but then I realize that none of us really fit it- so I don't feel nearly as bad about it.
I have made some great connections with some of the people here- I feel as though I have connected with everyone on some level and that makes me wonder if my connections are breeding pseudocommunity or not.

AM I A PSEUDO-SPREADER?

I hope not.

I guess the only real way to find out is to be engaged when the time is appropriate- to be really present. We've talked a lot about being present this week- and I wonder how often I am really present with people.
We need to be about it. We need to be about being present- be about what we are doing, where we are doing it and with whom we are doing it.

So now I need to get ready for the Beer Garden and China town trip- maybe a club after.

-Did you know that Mitch Albom- author of Tuesdays with Morrie was from Detroit?
Be About It!

Detroyt- The Adventures of Byll Monahan- September 1st/2nd

Well after what has been one of the best summers of my life- I am now in NYC on Formation for Covenant House.
It has been a long road- with so many farewell wagons- to coin a Da-da from only yesterday.
I am exhausted- up at 6am to get ready to leave- got up here around 11am- said goodbye to the RENTs and discovered that I was wrong about people I was to be living with in Detroit. One of the girls that was coming with us had to back out last minute. Elizabeth- if your reading this- I hope you are well baby and I am praying for you and your family- hope all is going smoothly.
Lots of paperwork and talks and processing of information.

What I have learned so far:
Energy can sometimes be like a water wheel- the more you pour into it the more power you get in return.
There is nothing quite like the sounds of an Irish band singing sweet songs into one's head before bedtime.
Living in community is not fair- no one said it would be- think about it!
Taking time to run through fountains keeps you in your childlike joy- Washington Park cheered for us tonight.
My desire is like the moon- waxing and waning but always there.

I will have plenty of updates soon enough- but for now just know that I am alive and living!
Making time for poetry soon.
Be sure to check out my Summer Photo Album on Facebook.
My Skype name is ByllMono- look for me!

Until next time- Fairfarren.

Confusion and Joy

It has been two weeks and two days since I stepped off of the train and arrived in Rugby, ND. I don’t know what you (readers) want to read about more- what I’ve done or how I’ve felt being here so I guess I’ll tell you about both.

What I’ve done:
Orientation: learned about SOLT (the Society of Our Lady the Trinity), about the community, and about our work here.
Prepared for school: arranged and rearranged my classroom, put up posters galore, and made stars that the kids will decorate on the first day. Written lesson plans, incorporated some version of Bingo into almost all of my classes. Punctuation bingo anyone?
Lived in community: experienced the joys and frustrations of living with people. Joy- learning about people and why they’re here. Frustration: no private space of my own.
Eaten frozen grapes: why? Because they’re delicious and fruit goes bad quickly here so I have to freeze it. If you close your eyes, you might be able to pretend you’re eating ice cream.
Gone to Walmart: 4 times. I used to boycott this evil corporation but now I have no other option. My stipend doesn’t cover a $6 gallon of milk! Things are expensive here, even items like milk, oil, wheat products, and others, even though they make, raise, or grow them in North Dakota. They have to ship these goods out to be manufactured, raising the costs significantly.
Attended a pow wow: when in Rome, do as the Romans do. The dancing, music, and costumes were all interesting. I educated the man selling lemonade about Jersey Shore’s accurate portrayal of Sleazeside in the summer and that Snooki was from NY, not NJ. We got into this conversation after he heard I was from NJ. The 4 of us that went kind of stuck out and people wanted to know where we were from.
Explored the area: I stood on top of “Turtle Mountain” which was really just a large turtle made up of wheels that didn’t have the tires on them anymore. I went to the Turtle Mountain Museum where I envied the gorgeous quilts and artwork made by members of the tribe. I also did a light hike up to the highest point in the area. My camera was broke so I only took pictures using my bad camera phone. Regardless, even the nicest camera wouldn’t have been able to capture the raw beauty of the area at sunset.

How I’ve felt:
These last 2 weeks have been hard. I constantly second guess my decision to volunteer at St. Ann’s. Why? I’m not really sure. It’s not about the people. I love the people. My community members and the greater community have been so welcoming, compassionate, and overall awesome to me. It’s nice to have conversations about God and society with them, even when we disagree (which happens often). It’s not about the program. I’m excited to teach 3rd grade. Maybe excited is a slight embellishment but I am looking forward to the challenge of teaching a range of subjects, all day. I came out here with the impression that I would be teaching religion, not science or math. I was a terrible 3rd grade student! Still, I’ve had a good amount of time to prepare so I feel ready and competent. I do not spend my time in misery.
 

So where is this doubt coming from?
Some people say I must be homesick. Other people say I feel this way because school hasn’t started yet. They say that once school starts, I’ll feel much better. Some even claim it’s the devil trying to deter me from God’s plan.
I’ve thought about this a lot in the last 2 weeks and I don’t know if it’s any of those things. While I miss home, I’m not homesick. I know homesickness and this is not it. Besides, I’ve gone longer without being home before. I don’t think the students will change my mind. While they’ll be adorable, bright, and innocent, I just have a feeling the joy I experience teaching won’t be enough to make me want to stay until May. As for the devil, I don’t think this was God’s plan for me to begin with, rather I think it was what I wanted. I assumed it was what God wanted for me since ND was so far away from home. I talked about it being God’s plan so much that I didn’t actually ask GOD if this is what He wanted.

 
What I have been able to pinpoint some of my doubts on is having had a misconception about the program. To be honest, I didn’t do a lot of research of the program before I came here. I didn’t ask about the rules or overall goals they had for the volunteers. Turns out, there are a lot of rules. I understand why they’re in place but I don’t see the benefit as much as others do. I didn’t even ask about the prayer life. I didn’t know how fully obedient Catholic it was here. I’m not saying this is a bad thing. I’m just saying this is not necessarily my thing. It could be though. I haven’t the slightest clue! (insert religious crisis here).

Now I’m not saying that I’m going to quit anytime soon. I’m going to give this program more time. My daily prayer is that I adjust better in the next coming weeks. If I don’t, I have some ideas about what I would do if I came home. These ideas exist only to calm my nerves and anxieties over the possibility of giving up. I like having a backup plan.

So this is where I am right now. I’m confused, joyful, contemplative, nervous, and tired. I have so many questions and uncertainties concerning my future. In fact, the only thing I know for certain is this:
Right now, as I sit at my desk in my classroom, I am blessed. I am thankful that God brought me to Belcourt, ND, where I can learn to be more disciplined and faithful to the plan God has for my life. My faith in God is strong. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again- this is God’s plan for my life, not my plan for my life.  

Tomorrow is a big day- the first day of school. I would appreciate any prayers or positive thoughts throughout the day. Who knows? Everything, all of these things I just said, could change tomorrow.

Journey is from Detroit too... still need a new slogan...

So Detroit...
Yep...
It's right across the way from CANADA! Am I going to go to Canada- probably at least once.

I don't really know whats up right now.
My mom told my grandmother- she is trusting God with all of this- so that makes me feel better.

I have been talking to a guy who is already at the agency in Detroit- he has shared a lot about it with me and I am feeling confident. Josh seems like a solid guy and I am eager to learn what I can from him before he leaves- like two weeks or so after we get there...

Lets talk about this one fact shall we:
When I signed up for Covenant House- the city of Detroit wasn't even on the map for me. I had no idea it was even an option for me to go to until I was on Orientation.
At that time- I knew where I wanted to be: New York City!
I mean come on- how fabulous would that be right?! Wrong.

I spent one night in NYC and felt like I was going to choke. My mom coined the term country mouse. And I believe she was right. I stood staring at the Brooklyn Bridge on the first night of my Orientation and was in awe of the city. So big. And I just felt so out of my league. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I love New York. I have always been a fan.
I later sat down and figured out that I was more than capable of living there, but under the conditions that I set. If I were to be in an apartment with a steady paying job and friends and roommates and a lover and beer, things might be different.
But as it was, with all of the business I would be doing on top of the 45 min commute and my unusual onset of loathing for New York subway stations, I found myself slowly changing my mind about living in the Big Apple.

I walked across the Brooklyn Bridge that night, remembering that scene from Sex in the City- the Movie... and thought, "This isn't my life... but if it were- it would have to be all mine!"

So then I learned that Detroit was an option for me to be sent to. And I thought, "Well, why not? I've been so caught up in NYC and now I've got this new idea of it and I hate it. Why not keep Detroit as an option?"

It became my second choice, with AC in the front of the line and Ft. Slaughterdale bringing up the rear.

I felt like God was trying to tell me something about Detroit from the minute I learned it was an option. I went to an old place of worship with a dear friend of mine after I came back from an exhausting Orientation, feeling unstable and insecure with everything in my world.

After about an hour and a variety of gifts of the Holy Spirit later, I heard in my head, "Just shut up and trust me!"

So I am.

----------------------

In other news: I went back to Cabrini today to spend time with special people. One of my Da-da's was on campus getting her life in order for the school year and we ran into one of the most important people in my life. I am not sure whether or not I will write too much about him right now- as he truly deserves an entire blog page of his own some day (as do the rest of the people who put up with me in their classes [ I promise I love you all equally]), but I must say a few words about the genius and madness that is Seth Frechie.

Dr. Frechie was the first English teacher I had at Cabrini and right from the start he made me feel like I was where I was destined to be, and that I was becoming the person I wanted to be...

How's that for starters? That will be my first line in the blog when I get to brown nose for no particular reason- give it time- I'll know when its right to post that one- it will be on a really great day filled with poetry and music or on the worst day ever, when I miss the people I loved the most at Cabrini...

Anyway- I ran into my dear old professor and he was astonished to learn that I was going to Detroit. He apparently has been keeping up with my writing, which worries and honors me. This blog is not safe!!!

Saying goodbye to him was hard. I realized that I would not have that same kind of kinship with any of my superiors ever again. More over, I realized I was going into a much bigger pond and becoming a much smaller fish in less than two weeks. People will not know my name where I am going. I must start anew where I am going. I am eager for this and anxious at the same time.

I will miss walking five feet and running into someone I know, or at least someone who knows me, and being able to say, "Hey Hun!" and embrace them and make them feel like for that moment they are my world. Because for that moment, they were. They always were.

But I am moving on. I learned in my musical class and from one of my favorite peers- you must keep moving on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QA4coDbHLPo

A NETter's Crazy Final Days!

  Thursday, Thursday, oh Thursday! At Camp it meant the counselors would get wings... Well I am not at PFC anymore so that means it is almost time for me to get into my boat and start fishing in MN!

 OK, so I am not yet in MN for NET! BUT, the Lord has some crazy plans in preparing me for this journey. The last few days have been some of the most difficult days of my life. I have dealt with good-byes, excitement, nervousness, and even the thought of wishing that somethings could just stay the way they are now, meaning no body had to go anywhere! BUT.......

 THE LORD has many great things planned for us! HE would not do anything that is not best for us! So maybe I really need to just go already and start my journey across America! Not forget about my friends and family, but stop thinking that everything in my whole entire life is going to be so different afterward. The world is not going to change around me, The Lord is going to simply grow inside of me and make me a better tool for His awesome plans!

 There are things I want to keep the same and I PRAY by the time May comes around, those things have bloomed into wonderful God filled things! NET is coming fast and I know that I am off the wall with excitement, brought down in emotion by sadness and feelings of missing home, BUT I know that God has called me to do this Mission, to continue the work He called Jesus and the Apostles to do in the beginnings of the Church!

 All I can ask for now is for the Father to send His blessings down upon me and for our Mother Mary to give me the courage and graces of herself, when she was the one who said YES to the Lord!

Please pray for me and my fellow NETters as we all come together to start another school year! Peace and God Bless!

Bobby