Blessing

I wrote this on the train ride to Minneapolis. I’m home now. I'm beyond excited to be with my family and Cliff. However, there is a part of me that's still in North Dakota.



I lived in Belcourt, North Dakota for 9 months and 21 days. Writing it down, putting it into numbers, makes it seem like it was a short amount of time. I suppose that’s true numerically. In a lot of ways though this year seemed like much more time. I have experienced many years worth of growth and development in these 9 months. It was the most challenging yet the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. Surely, it has been the best decision I ever let God make for me.


I was reading a book the other day in adoration. It talked in great length of what it means to be blessed. The author translates it to mean “it’s been good, it’s been very good”. I think about the past almost 10 months. I’ve fought with people, cried with people, laughed with people, stood silently with people, and prayed with people. My students were awesome and difficult. Some of them live lives that cause them to mature beyond their years. It’s hard to explain to a nine year old about why her mother won’t write her back from jail. They fought with each other and I swore time and time again that they must be pre-hormonal. Occasionally, I counseled some other kids in the school about their behavior problems or about their home lives. Some days my heart was heavier than I could have imagined to be because of these struggles the kids whom I love go through daily. I think about how it must feel for a mother when her child struggles. I experienced perhaps a fraction of that as their teacher. In March, I got an awesome co-teacher and I started to teach art. I learned that God calls upon us to use our smallest gifts, even if they contain little talent.


I experienced the pains of being away from home when the ones you love are hurting. I wished more than once to be able to go home. So I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. Long distance relationships are tough and as I write this I am counting down until I get to see Cliff again.


I experienced the joy of community. The hardest and best thing about this year was living in community with 20 other people. There were 11 women in our house. We came from different areas of the country, different stages of our lives, and with different values and preferences. In spite of our differences, to live together was a blessing. When you live, work, eat, and pray together almost every day you form a bond that is unlike any other. We saw the best and worst of each other. The friendships I formed in Belcourt were among the best I’ve formed in my life. And I say that without any hesitation. I’ll miss these friends very much but find it pretty awesome I have friends from North Dakota, Missouri, Pittsburgh, Massachusetts, Ohio, etc.


My relationship with God, Jesus, and Mary were made significantly stronger this year. I’ll miss living 150 steps away from adoration but look forward to bringing back the graces I received here to NJ. God has been so good to me.


This year I did a lot of things I never thought I would. I went to confession, attended almost daily mass, became a coach for a basketball program, became an art teacher, loved all of our students more than I thought imaginable, went to a sheep shearing, held a baby goat, held a chicken, went on the trailer of a four wheeler on the road, led music for a mass, and made life long bonds with the best group of holy rollers found in North Dakota.


I go back to my comment about what it means to be blessed. I have been blessed beyond belief these past 9 months and 21 days. I’m sad to be leaving here only because of the love I have experienced.


This experience has been good, it has been very good.

We still have a blog?? By Kristie

It’s 10:15 on Friday night. I’m laying in my bed, all snug under 4 blankets that are shielding me from the cold of a winter’s night in North Dakota. I am cold but I am content.

It was about this time last year that I began my applications to volunteer programs in North Dakota and Louisiana. Most people reacted the same to ND, with something along the lines of “What? Really? Are you sure you want to go to ND? It’s really cold up there!” To be honest, I was raising the same questions with God. Why on earth did He have it in His plans to send me all the way to North Dakota? Surely, there were plenty of people in NJ, or at least in warmer, more visitable climates, that I could serve. But when God calls, one must answer.

My time here from August until the end of October was shaky. I was all set to go home in December, ready to write off this time as a failed experiment in immersion. I know my parents, siblings, close friends, and boyfriend were sick of me complaining that St. Ann’s wasn’t the right fit for me. I was upset by the rules, the religion, the people, and the community life. Nothing was as it had seemed it was meant to be.

In October, I went on retreat with members of my own volunteer community and members of the Turtle Mountain community. It was as if God finally smacked some sense into me and something changed. I realized that this was exactly where God wanted me. I had so much growing to do. I had relationships to build. I had to experience life here in North Dakota. New Jersey and all of its comforts could wait.

So I grew. I began to attend almost daily mass. I spent more time in the community and with God. I began to act like me again.

In the weeks before Christmas break, life as a volunteer became more stressful than usual. Work, community life, and the weather began to wear at my heart, and the hearts of the other volunteers. We were tired and needed to get away. Home was welcoming and so rejuvenating.

The past 5 or so weeks of being back had been hard. While the main stress plaguing the volunteers before Christmas was alleviated, I found it difficult to be back. Again, I was longing to be home with my family and boyfriend. My students were misbehaving more than I thought I could handle. My devotion to my prayer life had gone from hot to luke warm. I had an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach about being back until the end of May.

But as I left the gymnasium of Turtle Mountain High School tonight, I could only smile. St. Ann’s Players in Progress (PiPs) program had another successful half time show. The kids had wowed another crowd with their ball handling skills and some had stuck around to entertain their own coaches (myself included) and other teachers. My girls had some behavioral improvement this week. Community life, although difficult, is good. Plus, I’ve made some friends out here, even one I trust enough to highlight my hair.

My sister, Kelly, tweeted something today that really made me think. Her company is having an art show for its employees. She half jokingly said it was a reminder of what they could have been. It got me thinking about this year and it reminded me one of the reasons why I’m here. I could be in graduate school or working at some social work agency. I would probably be happy but I would always wonder about what could have been if I pursued my dream of post-grad service. I’m glad I did. I won’t think “what if” in a year, or ten years, or 40 years.

I’ll get back on track with my prayer life. This is the best place to do so. My students and the other students at St. Ann’s remind me daily of God’s goodness. They also remind me to pray.

Broke, vitamin D deficient due to the lack of sun, cold, and hungry for some real pizza, I’m living my dream.

Detroyt- The Adventures of Byll Monahan- Taking the Sweet with the Sour- One Month In…

Today was not only the first day I ever tried grits- it was also the last day I ever tried grits…

I have been working here in Detroyt for one month now, and I have learned so much. It is kinda crazy to think that life has gone by so fast already. And even though I am enjoying my time here, I have planned a trip home later on this week- spending time with family and friends due to the fact that I won’t be home for the holidays. That notion still bothers me a bit, but I am learning to live with it…

…

Where do I begin? Work first I suppose: I am now an accomplished and glorified secretary. I have learned to work the coffee machine and make a killer cup of brew- at least that is what my fellow workers tell me- I have a sneaking suspicion that they feed my ego so they won’t have to make their own coffee or tea themselves. Damn! They have discovered my secret weakness- flatter and ego inflation! I have had a pot of tea every day since I’ve been here- it’s lovely!

I am really beginning to understand why God placed me here. There are so many minor problems that need major fixings here- little things and issues that have too long been smoldering beneath the surface- people not being organized: unable to find papers, coffee, kids- people not communicating: writing in the log book, daily check sheet, observation notes- staff relations with the kids: in part with staff communication, rule breaking, playing favorites, and simply not interacting with them.

I have learned what it means to go to bed tired. These eight hour work days, six hour naps and eight hour work days are crazy. The very concept of time has become something of a mystery to me. I am either fully aware of every moment, or I am actually CELEBRATING A MONDAY- since my weekends are on Tuesdays and Wednesdays now. It’s weird how I used to value Fridays and Saturdays as time off. I don’t see how that is anymore, though I do get to spend quality time with the kids those days.

Fridays and Saturdays are my afternoon/evening shifts: 3:30-11:30, and during these times I work with two wonderful people who love to goad one another on. They bring joy to my heart and are always good for a joke or some solid advice. I have learned lots about the Illuminati and different blends of tea to name a small portion of my education.

The kids here are delightful. The Rights of Passage, where I work, harbor the kids who want to be here, and they are just solid kids. We had a few bad eggs for awhile, but they were either discharged or let themselves out-  people come and go often here- some are celebrated- some are mourned.

Saturdays are usually our Smoothie Movie Nights- we have been watching anything I have in 

my collection that the kids don’t find “gay”. Yeah--- lets talk about that real quick…

There is a big problem here with using that term as an adjective for stupid. I am here for a reason: I am trying to break the kids of using “gay” or “retarded” as insults or adjectives of distaste. It is for sure on my goal list.

I have struggled here a bit with all of the teen suicide in the gay community as of late. It has gotten out of control and needs to end. And this environment is in dire need of help in this instance. I was approached by a teen who has been having suicidal thoughts and has been cutting. He also shared with me that he was bi and felt very out of place here. Having come from out of state, he has nowhere to go to call his community- please keep him in your prayers and positive thoughts- he is presently one of my biggest concerns. He is also one of my favorites, not because he is bi, but because he reminds me of the people from back home.

During my weekdays, I work with three different women who simply make me a better person. My Sundays and Mondays are filled with Ms B. who is just a fantastic DJ and rockstar. She and I listen to all her favorite music, most of which has become my favorite music! We talk conspiracy theory about Tupac and Biggie and we love all them good grooves- the kinds that you need to have candle light and a good man by your side to really appreciate!

My other DJ is Ms T. and she is just a hot mess! She and I laugh more and more every day. We play all the good Gospel Music and Praise and Worship jams. She took me to a concert with a few of the kids the other night. Dr. Marvin Sapp and Brian Courtney Wilson performed along with a bunch of others at the Second Ebenezer Church. My first real experience in the community, and I stood out like Woah! People were incredibly welcoming to me, especially after they saw me getting into the music. I prayed with two lovely older women who just kept grabbing and shaking my hands like they were Oprah or something! Gotta love the Oprah hug (GOOD FOR YOU! GOOD FOR YOU!).

so…

Mr J. is a wonderful man. He is also my boss. I have not had much interaction with him aside from delivering messages and transferring calls to him, but the few conversations I have had have been wonderful.

I most recently took the kids out to a $1.50 movie! Unheard of out in Philly- but really big out here! I have long overlooked how many blessings I have had in my life that I have either not recognized or abused. Going to the movies, running across a busy highway, just sitting in a car and listening to music, eating snacks or candy- these kids have not had the chance to do these things for so long. It had been over a year since some of them had gotten out to see a movie. 

I also got pulled over by a cop while out with the kids. Freeways turn into developments too quickly round here and speed limit signs are few and far between. But the guy didn’t even give me a chance to get the registration and insurance out of the van glove compartment. He asked me what the van was for and I told him what Covenant House was all about. He walked away and came back a minute later and told me to move on and slow down. I love my job! The kids loved the encounter too- they couldn’t stop laughing!

I have taken it upon myself to clean everything in the agency office. I have been organizing papers, files, the computer desktop. It is remarkable what I have found. People hide things everywhere here. I found a box of tea in the bottom of the closet- it was a secret stash. Next to it was a bag of caffeinated instant coffee, an unavailable commodity around here, believe me!

I had to drive a kid to the emergency room the other day for psychiatric evaluation. It was by far one of the hardest things I have had to do so far. I had to petition them- which essentially signs them up for a gown a bed and depending on the situation, bed restraints. It was incredibly difficult to witness.

On a lighter note, I work with kids from the Crisis Center next door two or three times a week helping them with life skills. It is a group called Total Me. I am so NOT qualified to teach some of the stuff we have been talking about- so I keep it together by letting them talk in an open discussion for many of the talks. But we have recently changed our over-arching theme to Social Skills- which has been like playing video games for me! I have loved these groups and I have really made some wonderful connections with some of the kids. Thus far we have covered dating violence, internet violence, street violence, anger management and forgiveness. Let me tell you- these kids have got it down. They know how to handle themselves in almost any situation, but it’s in practicing what you preach that they miss sometimes. So we have been talking about that.

From these groups, I have seen kids in gangs almost start fights, a couple of couples break up and get back together, the men share stories about their mothers, the women about their fathers, uncles and other relatives, sleeping residents becoming the most active participants in the class, and the quiet kids beginning to open up. All of this, in 45 minute sessions a day! It is exhausting!

Lastly, I have been in charge of handing out meds. The kids are so good about it, but some simply refuse. It is hard to see them destroy themselves, especially when the agency does not require them to take their meds in order to stay… does this bother anyone else- or just me?

…

Community next I suppose.

I live in a lovely little cottage in the middle of campus. The pulse and beat of my world- my ever present, ever ticking clock, is the basketball court, and all of the people who play are my second hand. I hear the dribbling of rubber on black top and I know it is 9am, right after breakfast. Again and it is 1:00, right after lunch. Again at 2:15, between Total Me Classes, and again at 6:30, right after dinner. I can nap and know when to wake up without an alarm.

I share a room with my housemate Josh. We have very different tastes, but I value him in my life right now. He is calm and gentle and knows just how to act at the right times. He has his moments of crazy, which usually involve him breaking into a dance with Jessie, or throwing a curve-ball comment at Chui. We have a mutual affinity for incense- thank Allah!

Jessie continues to be her perky self. She has a bottomless and undying appetite for life. Her joy has been a good thing in my life, and my “steadiness” has been a balance for her- I think. We have enjoyed the integration into the house together, and we fondly remember everything that has transpired between us since Formation. It is nice to have someone to look at and have them simply understand what you are thinking and going through.

Chui is being added to my list of Moms. She is incredible. I am so glad to have her in my life. We have cooked many meals together, our most recent one consisting of Simple Chicken, Pineapple Casserole and Acorn Squash. She bought a 25lbs bag of rice the other day, it was her pride and joy because it was only $8! We have maybe eaten half of it since then! She is my biggest fan out here, my ultimate encouragement. I am hoping to learn everything I can from her- and Josh too. It is weird that we only have a few weeks left of them before we say goodbye. I feel as though I have been with them for much longer than simply a month…

The community has shared some good times together- we have done lots of shopping and small adventures together. Chui has taken us to parks- something I have missed since moving away from good old Valley Forge Park. I have discovered a new place of retreat- Belle Isle Park, a 5 mile island in the middle of the Detroit River, filled with fountains, lakes, conservatories, roads, and all manner of things to do. I hope to go there again soon and take pictures- look for them!

Josh has taken us to his dear friends’ two homes. They are urban gardeners living in intentional community with one another. They grow all manner of veggies and fruits and have raised chickens and bees too! I am eager to help them make jams and canned pears soon. I may even help them with the honey harvest!

The urban farmers have kittens to protect the chickens from rats. Can I tell you how cute they are- just wow! So Little! One of the farmers is moving away, but she has a bunny named Ophelia. Again- WOW!

The farmers have a bi monthly potluck/bonfire and I am hoping to get involved more and more with them. They are simply wonderful people. We watch Glee together every Tuesday- need I say more…

Things I have noticed while out and about in Detroyt:

-There are liquor stores on EVERY CORNER!- which is totally unfair since we live in a dry house…

-Strip Clubs are on every block, and are advertised with Big BOLD Signs and Lights and… pumpkins…? I wish I was joking- at least Philly keeps theirs below ground…

-The speed limit here is 65 mph. The speed minimum is 55 mph. Yep…

-Gay clubs are either really scattered around the area or really into Drag. Good times…

-Soda is called Pop out here… weirdos!

-There is a street filled with crack dens all of two blocks away from the agency- no lie- the cops won’t even go down those streets- all of the lamp lights have been shot out, and people just sit in front of their houses tripping. Cars are parked on both sides of the street, making the two-way street a one way lane at the best of times.

-J-walking is a criminal offense here. You will actually get ticketed.

-Detroyt is surrounded by wealthy areas in every direction. The city itself is dying out.

-The typical Detroyt greeting is, “What up, Doh?”

-I am really glad I learned about gang signs too. I have seen so many around the areas I have driven through during the day time, so I have learned to avoid those streets at night.

…

Now let me say a few words about my Prayer Life. I have seen so many roses since I’ve been here, which means Saint Theresa has had my back. The Blessed Mother has done wonderful things for me. She is present in only a few places around here, but she is doing great things for me and for these kids.

My faith life has bloomed into a new kind of flower. I am learning about the Divine Order, the real presence of Jesus, and the real presence of the Devil. I have been told by a few people here that, “White people are always talking about God, and Black people are always talking about Jesus…” AT first I was not sure how to react to this statement made by one of the kids and then by one of my fellow staff members, but I am starting to see it.

People here are afraid of the Devil, in a big way. “He is trying to kill me,” they say. They are often afraid of other faith forms, as it might be trying to keep them away from the Jesus they know. This has been difficult for me, as my faith life is very different.

One of my favorite workers, Mr M. has had experiences he and I have not gotten to talk about yet, but I know there will be a time to discuss our own faith journeys with one another.

…

I am going to be home for a week, during which time I will be with my MYAns, my Cabrini Crew, my Old School friends, my Gaming group, my Ren Faire Geeks, my Praise and Worship friends, and of course, my loving Family.

I miss so many people from home, so I am making the most of this trip and trying to take time for me as well. I am eager to see people I have not been able to get in contact with, and I am longing for hugs from old and dear friends.

I will continue to write- I hope you continue to read.

Detroyt- The Adventures of Byll Monahan- WITHOUT FAIL / A Michigan Left

I was in the car today and Jessie commented on the unique traffic patterns- It's called a Michigan Left, he said, and I observed the small divet in the highway median. It's for turning around to get to the other side of the road, or if you forgot your wallet!

A Michigan Left...
This sounds like a good band name or a poem title- I am calling dibs on the poem title- you can have the band name if you want. I saw this strange concept floating around in my head- an avoidance of a U-Turn at best, but so much more in a metaphorical sense. I realized I had not blogged in what felt like weeks- so now I need to catch you all up on what you missed.
Let's got back, making that U-Turn you see...

I learned a lot about myself- including the fact that I have sharp edges. We discussed the concept of how river stones are so smooth because they have been tossed about for so long and have bumped against one another so many times and have rendered all of those jagged edges into nothingness. The only way to lose your edges is to go into a necessary conflict with other people's edges...

I had some of the best dumplings and bubble tea at a charming little grill in Chinatown. Honeydew tea with tapioca balls made for an enjoyable experience.

The Astoria Beer Garden was the first breakthrough we all had as a group- those of us that could make it that is. We bonded over the universal social lubricant- alcohol. Introduced many in the group to different beers- and tried a few different ones myself.

We celebrated Labor Day with Margaritas on the roof- my CRANE brought us up to the upper roof- I hear her- she helped me along the entire Formation.

I got locked in the glass shower. Twice. Yep.
I broke it the door the second time...
Now no one gets locked in... yeah... not one of my better moments- funny as hell- but not so good!

We watched many movies this Formation. I was so glad to spend quality time with these people and watch movies like- But Ima Cheerleader, Crush, Benny and Joon, The Labyrinth and Pippi Longstocking.

Went to the Monster- a gay bar- it was delightful. The downstairs was a dance floor and the upstairs was a Piano Bar. I got up and sang a few of my favorite show tunes: Being Alive, The Ladies Who Lunch, Don't Rain on My Parade and This is the Moment. I was applauded by a bunch of people and one guy bought me a drink- it was nice to be able to sing again. I brought it home with me- that feeling of being human again. On the subway ride home- I found a sketch book that had pictures of dresses and eyes in it. I will be making it into my journal for this year. Little prayers like that are always being answered.

I took an enneagram- I'm a 4- go educate yourselves.

I sang to my Stephanie on the Roof. She is incredible.

I will give a bit more detail to these next few sections- sorry I've been brief- it's hard to put things into too many details sometimes...

Drum Circle. We had the chance to be in a drum circle with an incredible leader who kept my attention the entire time- he introduced the concepts of spirituality through music and rhythm and well- it was amazing.

I then came to Detroit.

Finally- Detroyt


I went to Canada for my birthday- it's like ten minutes from our house.

I miss everyone. Dearly.

Back Home- Morris is in a show, hunter goes on and vampire had its first game.
My mom keeps crying every time I call her- and then tells me I need to call her more often. It's a sick game...

My first day of work today was kinda dull- hopefully it will pick up...

Sorry guys- this blog took a lot out of me- I know it is not my usual thought provoking email- just time for updates- maybe I needed to come back to this point- just random stream of consciousness- but we will see what the next Michigan Left has in store for me...

The first days of school- Kristie

On August 25th, the school year began for St. Ann’s Catholic School students in Belcourt, ND. I was nervous, to say the least, to meet my students and to actually teach them something. Teaching was and still is an entirely new concept (if you don’t count my first semester of college as a elementary ed major).

My dear friend Benadryl had me asleep by 9:30 on the 24th. I woke up at 7:00 the next day and got ready. I had already picked out my outfit and was at school by 7:40. I signed in, opened up my classroom, and quickly filled out the name tags of for each of my 3rd grade students. I got my walkie talkie (we don’t have an intercom system or phone system in the school) and headed down to the cafeteria. I stood with another teacher as we saw the students come into the school and find their place at their seats. After praying with two other teachers, I walked over to some of the students I recognized from Meet the Teacher night and sat down with them. I could tell they were nervous since this was their first year as well at St. Ann’s. I chatted with them about their summers and expectations of the year. I walked around the cafeteria some more, introduced myself to some parents, and nervously anticipated the bell. After what seemed like forever, the bell rang and the students lined up for morning prayer.

As I looked around the students, I noticed some things that were different than what I remembered as a student in a nice middle class Catholic school. Every year, I would get a new backpack, shoes, and other school supplies. If you looked at a picture of me from the first day of school, you could tell that I was wearing mostly new things. Standing in the cafeteria of a poor Catholic school in a poor region, it was not the same picture. The kids looked nice but not many had new things. There were the exceptions of course but exceptions they were. For the most part, the picture looked much different than the pictures of my childhood.

After we said our prayers, I led my 5 students to our classroom. I instructed them to hang their coats up where their name tags were and to find their seats. I realized, as I looked at their adorable faces, I didn’t have to be so nervous anymore. My lessons were planned and they were willing to learn.
Once I came upon that realization, the day went by quickly and smoothly. My students, I realized, were not as shy as they first appeared. They love to talk and are pure girly girls. Whenever I’m making up sentences, they suggest the first names of Disney and Nickelodeon stars for the subject’s name. Right now, we are preparing for a puppet show they are going to put on for the kindergarten class. Their puppet’s names are Demi, Selena, Milly, Rosie, and Catherine (I put a block on Disney after the second Disney name, which is why it’s Milly instead of Miley). They look forward to music and art class, but usually dread gym class. They get into trouble for talking but work their hardest to get a sticker at the end of the day (sticker=no name on the board). On Fridays, someone is usually upset they had a sticker free day that week, which means they won’t be able to pick from the prize bucket. I don’t feel at all bad for bribing them with candy and sparkly pencils in exchange for good behavior. Besides it's not bribing if you call it an incentive policy.

By the end of each day, I usually feel tired, have to pee, and prefer not to use my voice. It can be a long day with my students. They test my patience. They don’t always do their homework. They talk out of turn. They give me attitude. They don’t always say thank you.They give each other attitudes. Sometimes, they get into fights. They make me repeat myself all of the time. I hate repeating myself.

Yet, for each time I have to tell them to quiet down or take a deep breath, I can’t help but think of how they act most of the time. They make me laugh. They make each other laugh with silly jokes I don’t always find as funny. They give me hugs. They tell me they’re happy I’m their teacher. They smile when they finally understand a new concept. Above all, they make it easy to see the face of Christ in them. 

I never realized I would love my students so quickly and so deeply.

I have a student. She’s really funny and bright. She’s also extremely poor. She comes to this school on scholarship. She refuses to bring in her sneakers for gym class. When I asked her where were sneakers were last Monday, she looked up at me with a hint of sadness in her eyes and said “I think I forget to bring in my sneakers because I’m really embarrassed of them. They’re all torn up and they pinch my toes. They’re really ugly. People will make fun of me for having them”. As much I encouraged her that people won’t make fun of her for having old sneakers, she wouldn’t bring them in. I had been racking my brain all week with a way to buy her new sneakers without her knowing I got them for her. I wanted to do so in a way as to not offend her mother or make the other kids jealous. On Friday, only an hour before I was going to approach our principal about it, my plan was thrown out the window. Another one of the girls in my class went up to the girl before gym class and told her “I’m going to ask my mom if I can give you a pair of my sneakers. I didn’t get to wear them that much before I got too big for them. They’re really cool too. This way, you can have sneakers and won’t be embarrassed anymore”. The smiles on both of their faces were childlike and pure.

These girls, they are Christ for each other. They are Christ for me.

Detroyt- The Adventures of Byll Monahan- Be About It

So today we had the day off and are going into Chinatown and then taking the night to do something crazy and fun as a community. I showed people my movie collection- they were, well, lets just say they might understand a little bit more about why I am the way I am- we watched Sweeney Todd- not by my influence at all even- and it was moderately received! I am having such a fun time getting to know people and letting them get to know me.

So there is a lot to start talking about for this recent experience of coming into community. I am learning just how loud I really am and how I need to be a little more conscious of that from time to time... I know how many of you are thinking- "I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU THAT FOR YEARS!" But this is my time to learn my strengths and weaknesses- so cope!

I learned an interesting term the other day during our training sessions: pseudocommunity.
Its the awkward phase that we go through when in a new situation- a transitional phase before becoming an actual community- in which you are dancing around pleasantries with people- being careful not to step on toes or say anything uncomfortable. Simple laughter at little jokes. Not addressing little things that bother us with other people.

Basically- All of the high school lunch table conversations and group projects with people you may not have been social with- the first three months of college- any time you have to be with awkward relatives etc.

But this was both a good and terrible thing in my understanding- this concept.
How necessary it is to be polite for those first few days and not be blunt and open and honest and... well see now it sounds unreal.
And that's just it- its not real. Our books have told us that pseudocommunity is conflict aversion- which as I am sure you know of me- I am so opposite of that whole mindset.
If someone has a problem with me they really need to tell me- pull me aside or confront me in a group and just be like- "Byll- this is not ok!"

Many of my best friends have been able to do just this and they will attest that my response has been ultimately one of remorse and dedication to fix the dilemma.

But pseudocommunity is based in the knowledge of three aspects- time, fear and comfort.

If we are only going to be spending so much time with a person- we may want to simply disengage from them and not be open- thus averting conflict.
If we are afraid of addressing someone because we don't know how they will react- we avert conflict.
If we are uncomfortable being the person who stirs up the waters- we avert conflict.

BUT THE WATERS MUST BE STIRRED UP!!!
If we just let things remain stagnant- and we observe this lovey-dovey crap- we will never really feel any depth or sense of true and honest connection with one another.

How tragic!

But by addressing the issues, not being afraid of confrontation and being comfortable enough to get it thrown back at ourselves, be move into the next step of community- Chaos- which is resolved by an emptying of the self to allow for stability and thus Community.

So pseudocommunity is so important- because without it- there can be no chaos and no emptying and then community can never be achieved.
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That's the lesson for the day.

I guess I have been feeling at times that I don't really fit in- but then I realize that none of us really fit it- so I don't feel nearly as bad about it.
I have made some great connections with some of the people here- I feel as though I have connected with everyone on some level and that makes me wonder if my connections are breeding pseudocommunity or not.

AM I A PSEUDO-SPREADER?

I hope not.

I guess the only real way to find out is to be engaged when the time is appropriate- to be really present. We've talked a lot about being present this week- and I wonder how often I am really present with people.
We need to be about it. We need to be about being present- be about what we are doing, where we are doing it and with whom we are doing it.

So now I need to get ready for the Beer Garden and China town trip- maybe a club after.

-Did you know that Mitch Albom- author of Tuesdays with Morrie was from Detroit?
Be About It!

Detroyt- The Adventures of Byll Monahan- September 1st/2nd

Well after what has been one of the best summers of my life- I am now in NYC on Formation for Covenant House.
It has been a long road- with so many farewell wagons- to coin a Da-da from only yesterday.
I am exhausted- up at 6am to get ready to leave- got up here around 11am- said goodbye to the RENTs and discovered that I was wrong about people I was to be living with in Detroit. One of the girls that was coming with us had to back out last minute. Elizabeth- if your reading this- I hope you are well baby and I am praying for you and your family- hope all is going smoothly.
Lots of paperwork and talks and processing of information.

What I have learned so far:
Energy can sometimes be like a water wheel- the more you pour into it the more power you get in return.
There is nothing quite like the sounds of an Irish band singing sweet songs into one's head before bedtime.
Living in community is not fair- no one said it would be- think about it!
Taking time to run through fountains keeps you in your childlike joy- Washington Park cheered for us tonight.
My desire is like the moon- waxing and waning but always there.

I will have plenty of updates soon enough- but for now just know that I am alive and living!
Making time for poetry soon.
Be sure to check out my Summer Photo Album on Facebook.
My Skype name is ByllMono- look for me!

Until next time- Fairfarren.